December 19th, 2021 (Sunday):
My lipoma surgery is on this upcoming Wednesday in the early afternoon. I’ve been stressing out about it, besides dealing with our appliances breaking down, and my soon-to-be ex-husband causing me grief! It’s not his fault that his car got totaled. However, he has no sensitivity whatsoever to fact that we only have one car right now, and that I still need to leave our townhouse! It just reminded me once again that this is the kind of narcissistic self-absorbed person I’ve been dealing with for the past 13.5 years of my life. This also reminds me that I will need to stand my ground and not expect him to look out for me, or have any consideration for me.
Instead of just sitting us down and having an adult discussion that our personalities are too different, and that it is in both of our best interests to get a divorce, and discuss the details of doing so, he intentionally chose to do a whole bunch of shady things behind my back. I believe that he would not have told me that he wanted a divorce on December 4th, had I not found the 4 cans of beer in his backpack, and would have just continued to empty our bank accounts. Sometimes, the ones closest to you, are the ones that will hurt you the most, and that is definitely my case here.
All he has been doing is self-sabotaging and creating drama for us for the past 13.5 years. When life was good and the company that he was working for was becoming more and more successful, he decided to drink and drive, and get his second DUI. When life was good, he had to go and get his third DUI as well. (We had not met each other when he had his first DUI, so I don’t know what his life circumstances were at that time). When life was good, after we settled down in Maple Grove, and we were on good terms, he still decided to start drinking and driving again, and hooking up with his hookup from the past. When life was good, he decided that he is tired of his high-executive level position and wants to quit his job (He had been wanting to quit his job since 2 years before the company he worked for went under in September 2019). Drama is the only way for him to feel alive. How do I know that? I used to be like that when I was in dental school. I believe that was the primary reason I chose my physically-abusive medical school boyfriend (subconsciously, of course), instead of my sweet first love that I’ve known since high school. It was only after starting my journey of self-discovery did I realize the reasons behind the actions & decisions I took in life. He refuses to get any kind of help whatsoever. God helps those who help themselves. I’ve been throwing a lifeline to him for the past 13.5 years, only to get dragged deeper and deeper with him to the bottom of the ocean.
After I went home last night carrying a whole bunch of heavy groceries, I went into his room to ask him what time he will be waking up, so that I don’t need to rush through my evening bathroom routine to have the bathroom available for him. Once again, I thought I faintly smelled some alcohol from his breath when he answered my question. I asked him if he drank, and guess what his answer was???? Yup, you can never guess that wrong, for he will always deny it unless you have solid physical evidence. That’s how he is with everything. Never willing to own up or accept responsibility unless he gets caught with his pants down.
I had been thinking more regarding his so-called new “work project” on the “promise ring princess-cut diamond”. It makes sense for him to be searching for a “promise ring”, since when he told me that he wanted a divorce on December 4th, he wanted us to go our separate ways immediately. I asked him if I can finish my medical treatments and he agreed. That’s why he can’t give his whore an engagement ring yet, since he is still legally married, but can only give her (or him, who knows?) a promise ring for now.
LIES, LIES and just more LIES from him! I’m so glad it will finally be ending soon!
I have placed notification alerts now for every time an activity happens with our bank account. βDon’t mistake my kindness for weakness. I am kind to everyone, but when someone is unkind to me, weak is not what you are going to remember about me.β ~ Al Capone
I hope that after our divorce is finalized and he starts openly dating this floozy, he will have the common sense to realize that he is not meant to be in a serious relationship. His ex (before me) of 9 years moved out not long after they moved in together, and they were only able to continue the relationship for so long because they just had a superficial part-time relationship of living separate lives, and only getting together when they felt like it. I guess she finally had it after 9 years and called it quits eventually.
He’s not willing to do the work to maintain a real long-term relationship, whether it’s regarding physical or emotional intimacy. That’s why he used to go to bars to drink every night, because the bartender will pretend that she is his best friend, listen to him talk non-stop, and pretend to be non-judgmental at all, in order to get a big fat tip. Strangers are his best friends, for they will never get to know him at a personal level to truly know the kind of person that he really is. Once someone gets to know the real him with his flaws and all, he starts seeing that person as his greatest enemy.
Had I not put in the effort to work on our marriage for the past 13.5 years, we would have gone our separate ways a long time ago. I stopped putting in the effort (Emotional effort, that is. I still took care of everything else and still cared about him deeply as a family member) completely in March, and how long did it take for him to decide to call it quits? 7 months, since he started secretly withdrawing money from our bank accounts since the beginning of November.
Since he is not willing to do the work to be in a real relationship, I honestly pray for his own sake that he does not move in with this floozy. There will no one else on this earth that will be this kind and forgiving towards him like me, even though he has betrayed me multiple times and has showed me so much emotional cruelty for the past 13.5 years. She will destroy him once she finds out who he really is.
I CHOOSE to put this self-absorbed narcissist locked inside my “box” for now, and will ONLY Focus on my upcoming lipoma surgery. My therapist taught me to have a “box” – physical and/or imaginary – to place people/things/events that I do not want to deal with currently inside, and will only take them out at a later stage when I feel more emotionally adept to deal with. I’ve been dealing with this for the past 13.5 years, so what’s another year or so???
Regarding my upcoming lipoma surgery, I’ve been doing EFT tapping on “Preoperative: Prepare for a Successful Surgery” in my “Tapping Solution” app every day for the past 2 weeks, and will continue doing so up to the morning of my lipoma surgery. I will start to do EFT tapping on “Postoperative: A Smooth Recovery“, and “Postoperative: Deepen Your Healing” in my “Tapping Solution” app after my surgery for at least a month (until the end of January 2022).
Starting from tomorrow, until Friday, I will only take a multi-vitamin, since I don’t know if the other natural supplements that I’m taking have a high level of anti-oxidant property or not, which may prevent or slow down bleeding after the surgery. I don’t want to slow down my blood-clotting process as they may cause the surgery site to end up forming a hematoma.
Sigh…. I spoke with mom on Thursday telling her all these things and she was kind of jokingly saying that this is the problem with having too much knowledge regarding something. A “normal” person will just go and get the lipoma surgery, follow the instructions of: a) no shower (do not wet the surgery site) for 48 hours. b) no baths for a month. c) no spinal manipulations for a month. d) call immediately if bleeding doesn’t stop, or see pus oozing out of the sutures, or running a high fever. In fact, they might not even care for these post-op instructions. And here I am, thinking of the 101 possibilities of things that might go wrong. I really need to simplify my life, which includes simplifying my thoughts. Just take the necessary precautions and take life One Day at a Time! Wish Me Luck! π
November 2nd, 2021:
I have a lipoma on the left side of my back just under my scapula that is about 4cm in diameter. My dermatologist suggested that I get a consult with another dermatologist colleague who is also specialized in Mohs surgery.
I saw Dr. E on 10/26/21 for a lipoma consultation. I told him that I sometimes experience pain around that region and was wondering if the lipoma is pulling on a nerve in that region? He said that I most likely have an angiolipoma, i.e. a lipoma that has its own blood and nervous system. I asked him if I should get an ultrasound for it? He palpated the lipoma and said that it felt encapsulated and that I should be fine without an ultrasound. He was also palpating to see how large the lipoma was to determine if it can be removed in-office, or needs to be removed under general anesthesia because if it’s too large, then local anesthesia won’t be able to numb me enough. My heart skipped a beat when he said that. Luckily, he said that it can be done in-office under local anesthesia! Phew!!!!!
Dr. E said that he will make an incision throughout the entire diameter of the lipoma, then remove the lipoma along with its contents. It will take around 20 minutes for the local anesthesia to take effect, and then around 25 minutes for the removal and suturing of the incision. He will not suture the wound too tightly since the skin will start to tighten up as it starts to heal, and he doesn’t want to end up with the pulling of the skin, which makes total sense. I’m assuming I’ll be having a “flappy” skin suture which will then tighten up and become a perfect (fingers crossed) line when it’s completely healed.
I asked him about scarring and he said that there will be a thin visible line, which unfortunately, I guess is unavoidable as well. He will be putting self-absorbing sutures and applying the wound with a surgical gauze that I can remove after 48 hours. I won’t be able to get that area wet for 48 hours post-op and I can’t take a bath for a month. I asked him if it’s okay for me to continue getting chiropractic spinal manipulations and he said to avoid that for a month as well. Dr. E said that if all goes well, i.e. normal healing, normal level of pain, and no infections, etc., then I won’t be required to see him for a follow-up appointment. However, if there’s pus coming out of the incision area post-removal, then I should call the clinic right away.
Dr. E said that he only does facial tumor removal which puts me a bit more at ease because I’m assuming that he would have to have good suturing skills in order to have minimal scarring especially since it’s on the face. I asked him if taking any additional supplements will help with the surgery and the healing and Dr. E said to not take Gingko, fish oil and Vitamin E before the surgery, as they may actually make it more difficult for the bleeding to stop. So, thank goodness I asked him about that! Just to play it safe, I won’t take any natural supplements 3 days prior, on the day of, and 3 days after the surgery. No supplements (except for a multi-vitamin) from 12/19/21 (Sunday) through 12/26/21 (Sunday). No muti-vitamin on the day of the surgery (12/22/21 – Wednesday) as well.
I also asked Dr. E if someone needs to come with me to the appointment and he said that it’s not necessary since I won’t be having anything that will make me drowsy. I am concerned though about experiencing pain afterwards while driving home. Especially if I have to step on the brakes suddenly, or make sudden turn of the steering wheel, etc. So, I asked my husband if he could accompany me to the surgery and he said that it’s fine.
I called mom the next morning and told her about it. I have a nervous personality, and I think I got that from my mom. She sounded worried when I told her that Dr. E will be cutting an incision length of 4cm. She said that there’s so many “minimally-invasive” surgery these days, so can’t he cut a shorter length instead? OK, so after that conversation with my mom, I am starting to get more and more worried by the day. π
I’m worried about pain during the op, pain post-op, healing post-op, and all the inconveniences post op. e.g. No Epsom salt baths for at least month, no spinal chiropractic (or myofascial release) treatments near that region for at least a month. I’m also worried that since I have mild scoliosis, whether that will affect the healing process and will my suture be pulled onto one side? I need to avoid sudden movements that might pop my stitches or affect the healing “line”, i.e. avoid activities that will cause a pulling pressure in that region, such as hard laughing, getting constipated (thus causing straining/pressure), sleeping on my side (which I won’t be able to prevent if I’m fast asleep…), etc. etc.. This is the problem with having too much knowledge and too long a time before the surgery…
I had an emergency appendectomy back in 2015. I had abdominal pain, but it wasn’t the typical acute appendicitis excruciating type of abdominal pain. It was more of a deep aching pain. Thank goodness the triage nurse told me that I have to go to Urgent Care right away and thank goodness the Urgent Care doctor ordered an MRI for me. I was told that I have acute appendicitis and that I needed surgery right away. Tears fells down my eyes, and the next thing I know, I’m in a surgical gown, and wheeled into the operating room. Then I wake up and it’s done! I experienced post-op pain for over a year afterwards which was pretty traumatic. However, there was hardly any stress leading to the surgery since it came on so sudden.
However, I now have almost 8 weeks to prepare for this lipoma surgery and I’m already freaking out, and it’s only week 1! Sigh….. I called the dermatologist’s office and asked for Dr. E to call me back. I just want to make sure that it is totally necessary for him to cut the entire 4cm?
I’ve decided that I am going to start doing EFT tapping again for at least once a day to calm my nervous system. I am actually starting to scare myself silly now…..
—— Dr. E called me back just now. He said that they would start with a small incision (to minimize scarring), e.g half of the diameter but if they find e.g. that the lipoma is deep or have attached tissues, etc. then they may have to make the incision longer in order to gain access to the deeper structures. I asked once again if an ultrasound beforehand would help and he said no, that they will only know once they cut the lipoma open and start pulling on it to see how deep it is and if it’s attached to other tissues etc.
Thank goodness he was pretty patient and understanding about it. I’m guessing that if he didn’t know previously, then he probably knows now that I’m the nervous type of patient.
I kept the conversation short and thanked him for clarifying this for me.
I do feel a bit better now knowing that he may not have to cut the entire diameter, but that there is a possibility that he may have to as well. Fingers crossed!
Now, I just need to resolve the stress and anxiety issues that I am causing myself to experience….
My Fight Song!
~ Dave Bassett / Rachel Platten
Like a small boat
On the ocean
Sending big waves
Into motion
Like how a single word
Can make a heart open
I might only have one match
But I can make an explosion
And all those things I didn’t say
Wrecking balls inside my brain
I will scream them loud tonight
Can you hear my voice this time?
This is my fight song
Take back my life song
Prove I’m alright song
My power’s turned on
Starting right now I’ll be strong
I’ll play my fight song
And I don’t really care if nobody else believes
‘Cause I’ve still got a lot of fight left in me
Losing friends and I’m chasing sleep
Everybody’s worried about me
In too deep
Say I’m in too deep (in too deep)
And it’s been two years I miss my home
But there’s a fire burning in my bones
Still believe
Yeah, I still believe
And all those things I didn’t say
Wrecking balls inside my brain
I will scream them loud tonight
Can you hear my voice this time?
This is my fight song
Take back my life song
Prove I’m alright song
My power’s turned on
Starting right now I’ll be strong
I’ll play my fight song
And I don’t really care if nobody else believes
‘Cause I’ve still got a lot of fight left in me
A lot of fight left in me
Like a small boat
On the ocean
Sending big waves
Into motion
Like how a single word
Can make a heart open
I might only have one match
But I can make an explosion
This is my fight song
Take back my life song
Prove I’m alright song
My power’s turned on
Starting right now I’ll be strong (I’ll be strong)
I’ll play my fight song
And I don’t really care if nobody else believes
‘Cause I’ve still got a lot of fight left in me
Know I’ve still got a lot of fight left in me!!!!!!