I have been writing down a lot of tasks on my to-do list every day and then moving them to the next day, because I didn’t get them done. I’ve been beating myself up over it daily and wondering what on earth is wrong with me? I’ve also been feeling the pressure of the deadlines approaching soon, and been feeling stressed out about those issues even more.
After starting to watch the 2021 Tapping World Summit, and committing myself to tapping every day during the summit, I decided to start tapping on my procrastination since 2 days ago. I’m not even sure if it’s just psychological, but man, I’m on a roll here now! π
I’ve been putting off of taking care of my dad’s stuff in South Africa and last night I finally made a decision that I will take care of it today! I woke up early today (due to the time difference) and finally made that call. There’s still other issues that I need to take care of regarding that, and I am committed to taking care of those right away as well.
I’ve been thinking that I may have been procrastinating because I just feel like I constantly have to put out fires across 3 continents (here, Taiwan, and South Africa). I feel so emotionally drained doing so all the time, and for such a long time now. Sometimes, I just wished that my family members would help out more, and I think that’s why I’m holding off on taking care of those issues. But at the back of my mind, I know that if I don’t take care them, then no one else will, so I’m just cutting off my nose to spite my face by not taking care of them. There is definitely resentment and non-acceptance at play here, sigh….. Once I come to that realization and acceptance, then I’m finally able to start taking action again. But some days, that non-acceptance creeps back up again, and then I’ve got this internal struggle that I have to deal with again…
When I was wearing myself out last year with two additional jobs (as a Covid-19 contact tracer for two different states) and becoming totally exhausted with pain all over, I told him that I am so far behind on my own work (CA acupuncture license, and learning online marketing) and his work (all work related to his independent contractor’s job). I was secretly hoping that he would volunteer to do those independent contractor-related tracking work himself. Instead, he said only one word to me, ‘Quit!’. You don’t need to be a rocket scientist in order to do this, but, man, it is so time consuming, and monotonous! I feel like I’ve wasted all my years of education by spending most of my time doing such mundane, boring, non-brain-required work constantly! I think the lack of intellectual stimulation is what’s driving me nuts here! All these necessary things that I’m doing constantly, does not require even half a brain!
I’m not sure if I should feel happy that he trusts that I do a good job regarding our finances and would rather I focus my energy on his job-related stuff, or if I should feel unhappy that he doesn’t really care about my own personal sense of self-fulfillment? Or maybe I should feel grateful that he just doesn’t care if I earn an income or not? So I feel conflicted, with a sense of resentment on one end, and a sense of gratitude on the other…
I couldn’t stand the company’s culture for one of the state’s contact tracing job and it was making me miserable. When I told him about that, he said to me “You know that you don’t have to work. But, if you choose to, then suck it up and don’t complain. I don’t want to hear about it”. So, once again, I don’t know if I should be happy that he’s once again reminding me that I don’t have to work, or if I should be unhappy that he thinks that my job is so unimportant, that he doesn’t want to waste his time hearing about it.
Every coin has two sides, and I know that I should focus on the positive, and be grateful that he doesn’t give me pressure to earn an income, and that he works so hard himself. But, sometimes, I just wish that he would care a little bit more about what I do, and how I feel…
I have to admit though, that what I am supposedly ‘suffering’ from, is a ‘First World’ problem. I think I need to practice more gratitude…
To be fair to him, I was accepted to become a course instructor for an online company that provides Acupuncture continuing educational (CEU) courses a while back. I would have to turn over all of my intellectual property rights for all of the courses that I create, and if I stopped working for the company, then I wouldn’t be allowed to work in a similar field for at least a year. I asked him to help me look over the contract. I guess he felt that I could do better, so he said to me “I’ll make you a deal, if you don’t accept this job, then I’ll help you with your YouTube channel”, as I have also been thinking of creating my own YouTube channel. I have to admit, I was pretty touched by what he said.
I guess he sees a lot of potential in me, so oftentimes, he would rather I not work, than accept a position in which he feels that I could do better, to be protective towards me, I guess???
I have become more productive since yesterday, and today, I’m just checking off my to-do list left and right! I’m so happy that I’ve finally been able to overcome my procrastination on taking care of really important things in a timely manner. I’m going to continue to do so and make this a habit. Procrastination no more! Productivity, here I come! π