I was raped, by the love of my life. We were on a break. I have been feeling so much shame and guilt and throughout the years, and still have not been able to come to terms with this, or to even truly acknowledge that he raped me. Because if I admit that he raped me, then it makes him a bad person, a criminal. But he was my soulmate, and we’re still friends even up till this day, 17 years later.
I’ve started watching this ‘Trauma’ series on Whole.tv which talks about PTSD and it’s stirring up a lot of emotions deep within me, many that I wish I could just bury forever. But I’m learning that by not acknowledging the trauma that has happened to me, I’m not allowing myself to heal. It’s like sticking a Band-Aid on an infected lesion without putting on an antibiotic ointment first to stop the bacterial infection. So a scab may form on the surface, but deep down, it’s still oozing with pus.
How do I come to terms with being raped by someone who was the love of my life, and who still is, and always will be, my good friend?
After the traumatic incident, I started dissociating a lot for about 3 years. Somehow, it started getting better and I seemed to have stopped dissociating, or at least, it wasn’t so bad. But thinking back, I think I often dissociated on some mild level.
Last year, I went through a very stressful phase, and started dissociating again quite often. Only then, did I remember that I was diagnosed with untreated PTSD the year prior.
I still don’t know how to come to terms with what he did to me…