I am supposed to work on Category 6 – Love & Relationship, of my Lifebook journey this week, but I feel absolutely blocked and stuck… I don’t even feel like watching the video for this category.
I’ve been married for what seems like forever now. However, it was either turbulent or void of life. I had to deal with his addiction, health, legal, and marital issues for the most part of our marriage. And then around 3 years ago was when I just started drifting more and more apart from this marriage. We, and I, went through a lot of stress, but I did not feel that he was supportive of me at all during those times. Strangely enough, for the past 3 years, I have been unable to remember our wedding anniversary, even though it’s written down on my planner. I think subconsciously, I just didn’t want to remember that fateful day…
Not only was my medical school boyfriend in South Africa abusive towards me, but he was also a ‘High Functioning’ Alcoholic. After him, I swore to myself that I will never be with an alcoholic again. Yet, lo and behold, I ended up marrying one! I am a psychology textbook case! If he isn’t in a wet drunk phase, then he’s in a dry drunk phase. When it comes to being married to an addict who isn’t willing to seek help and better himself, I can’t win. I’m damned if I do, and damned if I don’t!
About a month ago, he came home one night upset, and just acting strange. Then, he went upstairs to the bathroom and I could hear loud noises. Next thing I know, he walks down the stairs and says to me ‘The shower knob broke’. Seriously? The shower knob just broke on its own? And he doesn’t think that it has anything to do with him banging things around when he was in the bathroom? In fact, I can not recall him once admitting that he broke something. It is always that the thing ‘broke on its own’, and he is just so unlucky to always be the last person ‘touching’ it before it broke.
When I pointed out to him that he was being very loud and banging things around in the bathroom, so he could have possibly handled the shower knob roughly, he got even more upset. I was upset too, so I told him to fix it! Man, was that a bad mistake on my part! I basically gave him the green light to take out his frustrations and break more things. He ended up breaking our screwdriver when he was banging it against the shower plate, and he also destroyed the shower plate as well. I suspect that he had been drinking, but I’ve stopped bothering to ask him as in the past, he was even willing to swear on his mother’s life that he did not drink, even though I was 99% sure that he did. He had in the past, stared into my eyes with his bloodshot eyes, and alcoholic breath, and said me, ‘No, I did not drink!’.
Once again, I, had to make excuses for him. I, had to call up our landlord and tell him that my husband just ‘touched’ the shower knob, and it broke. I am so angry at myself for always having to cover his tracks, and always enabling him. I, had to deal with the handyman coming into our townhouse to replace the shower knob in the midst of this pandemic.
This is why I even stopped thinking that I deserved love from him. I told myself, that as long as he’s not drinking, especially not drinking and driving, then I should be grateful, and I should be content with that.
I keep on trying to think positive, but how is this possible with my circumstances? Even though we sleep in separate bedrooms, and have not been intimate for years now, yet, I’m scared to even leave him home alone for one night, because I’m afraid that he’ll go out and drink again. And what really bothers me is his behavior. I mean, if you must drink, then why can’t you just take the alcohol home and drink at home? Why must you drink outside, and then take the risk of getting caught with a DUI, and worse, with injuring or killing someone? I can’t figure out the psychology behind someone choosing to drink and drive. Does he get a thrill for not getting caught? Is that what this is all about?
When we were still in California, he was even bragging to me that he has found this local route from the bar to our home, so that there’s minimal risk of him getting caught. I used to feel so much guilt and shame. Because I feel that I’m enabling a criminal, and someone who doesn’t care for other people’s lives. If he ended up killing someone because he was drinking and driving, then the burden is on me. I am an accomplice to his crime.
I had even pleaded with him, practically begging him, that if he did drink, to please call me so that I can go and pick him up, but to please not drive. And of course, that fell on deaf ears as well.
I feel no love in this marriage, my needs are not taken care of, and yet, I can not leave. Because if I do, then I am not a good person. Even my parents tell me that if I leave him, then he will just drink himself to death. As much as I love my dad, his ignorance and chauvinism just shows when he doesn’t think it’s a big deal, and constantly tells me to let (even to the point of encouraging!) him drink a little bit each day, and to even drink together with him! I keep trying to forgive my dad for the horrible values he has instilled into us as children, and as a woman, for he does not know better. My dad was born in the era where ‘Children and Women are meant to be seen, NOT to be heard’. We weren’t allowed to have a voice as a child, and as a woman as well.
Dad also brainwashed mom to tell me the same thing as well every time we spoke on the phone. It drove me nuts! I wanted to please my parents and make them happy. Yet, deep down inside, I knew that what they were telling me was a load of crap! And the main reason being their ignorance of having no idea what ‘Alcoholism’ truly is. So here I am, fighting this battle entirely on my own, with zero support from anyone whatsoever.
I can just see it, if I finally have the courage to leave him one day, then his ending will just be like the movie ‘Leaving Las Vegas’. He will spend whatever hard-earned money he has left and drink himself to death. Therefore, if I leave him, I am basically committing murder. What do I do? What can I do? I feel so trapped. I feel like the only purpose for my existence on this earth is to stop him from drinking. And I am the best excuse he has for acting cold and mean towards everyone, because he has a horrible, mean wife who won’t let him drink. I am damned if I do, and damned if I don’t!
All this stress and being neglected for the past 13 years has drained the life force out of me. I keep on telling myself that I need to stay positive, but the reality is, I am so miserable. I am so trapped, and I am so stuck with my life circumstances. I don’t know how long I can continue to take this. I don’t know what to do anymore…