I found out a couple of weeks ago that a case of mine ended up in the ICU and died. I saw in his notes that other case workers had been calling his cellphone for several days in a row, but never received a response.
On that fateful day, I decided to try his home phone number instead. His widow picked up the phone and said that he died the night before in the ICU. I was in complete shock and disarray when I heard that. I had to then call the hospital, speak with the attending doctor and take down all the details regarding his death. When was he transferred to the ICU unit? Was he placed on a ventilator? Was he placed on ECMO? What symptoms was he experiencing? What was his time of death? It was like I was going through the entire final painful life journey with him. I could feel his regrets, his helplessness, his hopelessness, his final sense of resignation when he realized that he has lost the battle of life. What must have been going through his soul during those final moments of realization?
I felt depressed for a long time. It also triggered a fear within me, especially due to me having auto-immune issues. Will I also end up in the ICU and die there? I don’t feel that I have been living my life to its fullest. If I die soon, then I will have many regrets for not doing the things that I’ve wanted to do, or saying the words that I’ve wanted to speak.
After this incident, I asked my supervisor to please not give me cases that are at a high risk of dying, i.e. the elderly, people with predisposing medical conditions, pregnant women, etc. My supervisor had been understanding and I could see that she (and even other supervisors as well. I’m assuming she has notified them of this situation) has been giving me seemingly ‘normal’ Covid cases – the ones that are not at a high risk of getting hospitalized or dying.
Yesterday morning, I had this same supervisor for the shift. She gave me a case to investigate who’s 30 years old. I mean, that seems very low risk right? I called and left a voicemail and also texted him to please call me back asap. I called again 2 hours later and once again, left a voicemail and texted him to please call me back asap. I don’t know why, but after a few minutes, I felt called to look more carefully at his notes and saw that he has been hospitalized since a few days ago.
I messaged my supervisor on our group Teams regarding this, and she said that she will move him from the ‘Investigation’ stage to the ‘Monitoring’ stage, so that I can continue to monitor his progress. Immediately afterwards, I messaged my supervisor privately and asked her to please reassign this case to another case worker instead.
In the past, she would agree to do that right away, but this time, it took a while before she asked me “Why?”. I messaged her back to remind her that hospitalization may lead to death, and that I’m still deeply affected by the death of the other case previously. It took her 5 minutes before replying to say that she will do that, but she also suggested that I go and get counseling for this. During those 5 minutes of waiting for her to reply, I felt like I was going to have a panic attack. The thought that I may have to follow this case from the beginning to the end frightened me. What if his end is not recovery, but once again ‘death’? I didn’t feel that I would be able to cope with that this time round, and I may just fall into a deep state of depression.
I told my supervisor that I will think about it. I also told her that normal jobs do not require having to deal with people dying and that I was not expecting this. I honestly was not expecting having to deal with people dying when I signed up for this. I don’t know if I just wasn’t thinking clearly back then, but somehow, I felt like I have been deceived as to what my job duties were.
I gave a lot more thought to this and I don’t feel like therapy will be beneficial to me in this situation. I am a very sensitive and empathic person. It brings me a lot of pain and suffering, but this is who I am to the core. As painful as it may be, if I have to make a choice between dying of a heartbreak, or dying with a cold-heart, I will choose dying of a heartbreak.
I understand that my supervisor has good intentions behind her suggestion. However, by suggesting to me that I should get therapy for being ‘too’ sensitive, she is basically telling me that there is something wrong with me. Why can’t I be accepted for who I am? Why can’t I be this sensitive, emotional person that naturally tries to heal the pain of others, and myself? I have proven time and time again that I produce excellent work, so why can’t they work on my strengths and accept my weaknesses? There are many other case workers out there, so why can’t they give these high risk cases to another case worker that will not be affected emotionally as much as I will? Why does this have to be such a big deal???
Spend all your time waiting
For that second chance
For a break that would make it okay
There’s always some reason
To feel not good enough
And it’s hard at the end of the day
I need some distraction
Oh a beautiful release
Memories seep from my veins
Let me be empty
Oh and weightless and maybe
I’ll find some peace tonight
In the arms of the angel
Fly away from here
From this dark cold hotel room
And the endlessness that you fear
You are pulled from the wreckage
Of your silent reverie
You’re in the arms of the angel
May you find some comfort here
So tired of the straight line
And everywhere you turn
There’s vultures and thieves at your back
And the storm keeps on twisting
You keep on building the lies
That you make up for all that you lack
It don’t make no difference
Escaping one last time
It’s easier to believe
In this sweet madness
Oh this glorious sadness
That brings me to my knees
In the arms of the angel
Fly away from here
From this dark cold hotel room
And the endlessness that you fear
You are pulled from the wreckage
Of your silent reverie
You’re in the arms of the angel
May you find some comfort here
You’re in the arms of the angel
May you find some comfort here